In my head again. I can’t get out. The deep dark corners of my brain are taking over with the self-doubt, insecurity and the second guessing of my abilities and ideas. It’s happening even as I try to write this post. Oh, I wish I could make it stop. It has been there probably my whole life, but it’s getting louder and more persistent.
I have heard as our hormones start to dwindle away; our anxiety tends to increase. I can contest to that. My anxiety at times can be through the roof and other times it is just lurking in some crevice of my brain waiting to make an appearance. It can show its self quickly at a random moment. Like now as I write fighting off the negative thoughts trying to prevent me from finishing this. My head screaming things like you aren’t smart or clever enough to write. Why did I even start this whole blog thing? The doubts and fears rolling over me like a tsunami coming in.
My twenty-something year old self seemed to have more control over self-doubt. I wonder if it was because of the naivety and the attitude of living forever was a great blocker. We needed that blocker to help propel us in our careers, making friends, finding love and making big decisions without thought or consequence.
Oh, how I wish I could bottle that up from my youth and create a magic potion. Oh wait, it’s called Prozac, which is something I take. It helps, but doesn’t make it go away.
My husband asked me if I knew what is making me feel this way. Is there a way I can address it? Honestly, I have no idea. Now I am starting to wonder if I just confirmed his suspicions of me being crazy. I have tried the internal positive dialogue with myself or the make a list of all the happy things that have happened today. It may work for a time, but its consistency is fleeting.
All I know is this diminishing hormone thing is wreaking havoc in my head. I can’t be the only one who is feeling this way. I would love to tell anyone going through this that it’s not true what our brains are saying to us. We are strong, capable, smart, brave and more. I would love to tell you right now if only my head would stop telling me how stupid I would sound.
I give up for now. I am tired. I would tell myself to go bed, but that will begin a whole other battle. That is a story for another time. That is, if I can get out of my head.
Thoughts, comments or concerns?
No you’re not alone. Starting to think that life is all about battling our own inner critic. After all, the only thing stopping us from doing amazing things is ourselves. Some of my voices are hopeful though and filled with creative ideas,… so I’ll try and stick with those voices instead!